


your life was my life's best part

by BooyahFordhamYacht



Series: and did you love me like the way you wrote(shyan oneshots) [1]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: And Shane, Angst, Confusing, Don't Read This, Extreme angst, Ghoulboys, Heartbreak, I am so sorry, I can't believe I'm actually trash!, I love my boys, I love you ryan, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, Love, M/M, No happy endings, Overuse of italics, RPF, Requited Love, Ryan Dies, Sad, Shane would do anything for Ryan, THIS IS DEPRESSING, Yikes, but not really, everything is sad, not really violence, shane loves ryan, tagged for safety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 11:17:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13410114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BooyahFordhamYacht/pseuds/BooyahFordhamYacht
Summary: shane is staring down the end of the gun, and of course he takes the bullet for ryan bergara.





	your life was my life's best part

They’ve done this so many times that Shane’s lost count. It’s a “haunted” house. It’s every other supposedly haunted house they’ve ever been to. It’s Ryan’s job to freak out at every creak and jump against Shane and it’s Shane’s job to laugh and dismiss everything while protecting Ryan at the same time. It’s Shane’s job to protect Ryan. It’s every other supposedly haunted house they’ve ever been to. Until it isn’t.

 

Shane’s turned around when it happens, fiddling with the audio recorder, doesn’t see Ryan standing by the banister. Shane’s facing away and he doesn’t see Ryan jump from a door shutting down the hall, doesn’t see Ryan take a step back. Doesn’t see Ryan lose his footing, doesn’t see Ryan’s eyes widen as he starts to fall back, does hear the crack of Ryan breaking the old wooden banister, turns just in time to Ryan disappear down off the balcony, towards the first floor foyer below them.

 

He hears the crash of Ryan hitting the floor below them, and when Shane darts to the rickety edge where the banister should still be, he does see that Ryan landed awkwardly, does see that Ryan’s arm is bent wrong and his head is bleeding and Shane’s downstairs before he can figure out how to move that fast.

 

Ryan’s quiet when Shane reaches him, but as Shane drops to his knees beside Ryan and pulls Ryan’s head into his lap, Ryan groans. Soft, faint, but it’s there. It’s December in an ancient Boston house with no heating, and Shane can see the ghost of Ryan’s breath. 

 

Shane locks eyes with Ryan, but already Ryan’s brown eyes look wrong, look distant, look like maybe he’s looking at Shane but not really seeing Shane.

 

Shane just barely notices someone saying “stay with me” and Ryan’s name, over and over again, hard to hear over the ringing in his ears. It takes Shane a minute to realize it’s him. 

 

As Shane shifts Ryan, trying to get Ryan to see him, Ryan’s tshirt rises just enough that Shane can tell Ryan’s stomach looks too big, and he took enough first-aid classes that he knows that means there’s something really wrong on the inside - a ruptured organ, or internal bleeding or something.

 

Just as Shane is starting to panic, to really lose it and himself and Ryan and everything, Ryan whimpers softly and Shane is pulled back into the moment as hard as hitting the water from thirty feet up. 

 

“Hey, hey, Ry, look at me.” With another groan, Ryan’s eyes slide to connect with Shane.

 

Despite himself, Shane breaks into a teary grin when he sees Ryan’s eyes. 

 

“Hey, Ry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I know it hurts, I’m sorry.” At this, Ryan shakes his head.

 

His voice is raspy, broken, wrong, but he does speak. “Doesn’t… hurt. Tired.” He coughs and a thin red line runs down his cheek. The realization that Ryan isn’t in any pain is like ice water and Shane wants to cry, wants to scream.

 

“Oh, good.” Shane lies. “You’re gonna be just fine, I promise. You can go to sleep, I’ll be right here when you wake up.” Ryan nods.

 

“You’ll be here?” he asks, and already he looks a little more gone, a little less like the little guy that was Shane’s best friend, that should’ve been so much more.

 

Shane nods, tears slipping down his cheeks. “I’ll be here, the whole time.”

 

Ryan smiles now, nods again. “Okay.”All of this feels wrong, feels awful, Ryan shouldn’t be dying, Shane shouldn’t be sitting here, comforting Ryan. They should not be here, they should be out on a date or cuddling or doing something stupid,  _ together _ , but Shane was too much of a coward to say anything before - before they ended up here. 

 

It isn’t right. It isn’t right and Shane can’t just let it happen. Ryan’s head starts to slump to the side, and Shane sobs out the only thing his brain can conjure right now. “Take me instead.” 

 

Nothing. And then, a bright flash of white, and Ryan is gone from Shane’s arms. Shane is kneeling in the middle of an empty white room.

 

“Shane Alexander Madej.” An airy voice calls his name from behind him, and Shane jumps to his feet, spins around to face a small woman with long brown hair, dressed in all white. She’s fading in and out, like maybe she isn’t really there. 

 

“Uh, what’s going on?” Shane stutters. 

 

“He has heard your prayer, and He is willing to grant your wish, if it is truly what you want.” The woman tells Shane. He blinks, tries to process this. The worry of not knowing where he is because less and less relevant as he realizes what she means by his wish. Taking Ryan’s place _. _

 

Even knowing what she could give him, all Shane has is questions. “Who are you? Who is He? What is this? Where’s Ryan?” The last question pulls panic into his tone, and the woman lifts her hands in a peacemaking way.

 

“I am Charmeine, an angel of the Lord. He is the Lord, and this is Angelica, a midway between your world and Heaven. Ryan Bergara is still with you. Your body is still in the house with him, it is only your subconscious that has been pulled into this plane of existence. Your time here will not pass any time on your Earth.” Charmeine says. Shane tries to wrap his head around this. Angels. Heaven. God? Ryan.  _ Ryan _ . 

 

“The Lord heard your prayer, and he is willing to accept you into Heaven and allow Ryan Bergara to continue living down on Earth.” Charmeine - who is an  _ angel _ \- tells Shane. Shane’s breath feels ragged and unsteady in his throat, but he already knows, without any hesitation, what he’ll do.

 

“H-how does this work?” 

 

“Essentially, you take his place. We swap the two of you so that it is you who fell, not Ryan. You will be given seven minutes, here, in this room, to say goodbye to Ryan and to make peace with yourself. Is this something that you truly want to do?” Charmeine asks. 

 

Shane scares himself with how quickly he nods, how he doesn’t hesitate for even a split second. “Yes, absolutely.”

 

Charmeine smiles. “I’ll come to get you when you’re ready.” She begins to fade even as Shane is looking at her, and then she claps her hands and there is a brilliant flash of white. When the light fades, Shane is still in the room, and it is Ryan in front of him, not Charmeine. 

 

Ryan, standing in front of him, alive. Ryan, no longer bleeding. Ryan, no longer dying in Shane’s arms.  _ Ryan _ . 

 

Shane is so happy he might cry. 

 

“Sh-Shane?” Ryan stutters, clearly confused. 

 

Shane realizes Ryan probably has no idea where he is, what’s going on. 

 

“Yeah, it’s me.” Shane hasn’t moved since Ryan appeared. If he moves, Ryan might just blow away. This could all be a figment of his imagination. This can’t possibly be real.

 

“Why are you covered in blood?” Ryan asks, and a quick look down confirms that there is red streaked across his shirt, pants, and caked on his hands. Blood. Ryan’s blood. From Ryan’s head. When he fell. When Shane turned and saw Ryan nearly dead at the bottom. When Shane watched Ryan die.

 

The image of Ryan’s body, Shane holding Ryan’s body, won’t leave him until his brain reminds him he only has _ seven minutes _ . The threat of  _ not enough time  _ blares all of a sudden in Shane’s mind and he asks, “What do you remember?”

 

Ryan blinks, tries to recall. “Uh, we were on location for the new episode, upstairs. You were fixing the audio recorder… I don’t really remember?” Ryan’s eyes well with tears, fear pulling them to nearly run down his cheeks.

 

Telling Ryan what happened, what’s about to happen, will hurt him. Hurt him a lot, Shane knows this. But never once, never  _ once  _ have they lied to each other, and he is not starting now.

 

“Uh, yeah, we were on location.” Shane starts. His voice is shaky and uneven, and Ryan looks concerned. Shane is always sure and confident, and the lack of confidence is terrifying to Ryan. “You were waiting by the banister for me, and something scared you, and you took a step back, well… when you fell, you got really hurt.  _ Really  _ hurt, Ryan, my God, there was blood, so much blood.” Shane dissociates slightly, and Ryan notices, because of  _ course  _ he does.

 

“Shane, what happened? Where are we now?” 

 

“You died.” Shane’s broken, he knows Ryan can tell. 

 

Fear forces Ryan’s face into a disbelieving, shakey smile. “No, I didn’t, I’m right here.” He insists, and Shane shakes his head. He’s not sure when he started to cry, but there are tears flowing down his cheeks at this point. 

 

“Ryan, I held you. I sat there and I watched you die.” Shane says. Ryan’s still shaking his head, and Shane thinks probably he’s in shock. That makes two of them. 

 

Shane still can’t believe it, can’t quite imagine that this is it and they don’t go back to just being Shane and Ryan after this, that it’s going to be just Ryan and that he’s going to be alone. Shane feels terrible that he won’t be there to protect Ryan anymore, and he has to remind himself that that’s why he’s doing this, to save Ryan. To protect Ryan.

 

_ Ryan _ . The bright-eyed, white-smiled Ryan who’d sat at the desk right next to Shane’s for as long as he’d been at Buzzfeed, the Ryan who brought Shane coffee every morning when he made his own, because he knew exactly how Shane liked it. The Ryan who was content to watch movies with Shane for 24 hours straight as long as there was beer and popcorn. The Ryan who had been his best friend, who had always been there for Shane, and now Shane has the chance to show Ryan what he means to Shane, what Shane is willing to do. For Ryan. 

 

“I made a choice… we’re in a place called Angelica right now, it’s uh, halfway between heaven and Earth. And I met an angel, she gave me a choice.”

 

“Halfway between heaven and Earth?” Ryan asks. Shane nods. “Why? What choice? What are you talking about?”

 

“Charmeine - the angel - she gave me a chance to fix all of this. To put it right.” That’s the only explanation Shane offers and Ryan is getting desperate. 

 

“Shane, fix what? What the hell are you on about?” Ryan thinks he’s dreaming, must be, because there’s no fucking way he’d really be handling this so - calmly is most definitely not the right word, Ryan is far from calm.

 

“She gave me the chance to take your place. To be the one who died. Not you.” Shane says, and he’s so dead serious that Ryan has to laugh just slightly, until the shock of  _ this isn’t a dream _ is washing over him and Ryan realizes that Shane’s not joking, that - Oh my God.

 

“You took it?” The tears finally spill over Ryan’s cheeks as he understands what’s happening here. Shane’s saying goodbye. “How could you do that?  _ Why _ , why would you do that?” 

 

And maybe it’s the stress. Maybe it’s the fear, fear of dying, fear of having to part from Ryan. Maybe it’s the fact that this is his one chance to say goodbye. Whatever it is, Shane doesn’t hold back. For once, he is honest with Ryan, and with himself. “Of course I took it!” Shane throws his hands up, nearly shouting. “Of course I took your place. It wasn’t even a choice for me, I can’t.” Shane’s breath is raggedy, he takes a deep one and continues, quieter now. “I can’t lose you, Ry, don’t you get that? I couldn’t. I wouldn’t survive.”

 

Ryan stares at him, motionless, for a few seconds. “What about me?” His voice is hoarse, tears still running down his cheeks.

 

Shane thinks he must be hearing things. “What?”

 

“I said, what about me? You think I can do this without you either? You think I wouldn’t take your place in a fucking heartbeat?” Ryan is really yelling now, getting closer to Shane with every sentence. 

 

Shane starts to cry as well, realizing that there’s no way either one of them leaves happy. Except Ryan will be alive, and that’s enough for Shane. 

 

“I can’t lose you, you asshole! I can’t fucking watch you die and know it should’ve been me! I love you, you fucking dumb giant!” Ryan shoves Shane back with the last word, but Shane freezes. So does Ryan when the weight of his words settle on his shoulders. 

 

“I love you.” Ryan repeats, barely a whisper over the roaring in Shane’s ears. 

 

Ryan loves him. The Ryan he’s dying for. That Ryan, the Ryan he’s loved for so long. That Ryan  _ loves him _ . Shane doesn’t think, can’t speak, just closes the short space between them and pulls Ryan tight against him, Ryan’s face in his chest and Shane’s arms around Ryan’s shoulders. It doesn’t take Ryan more than a split second to respond, wrapping his arms around Shane’s middle and holding on for dear life. 

 

After a moment, Ryan starts to shake with sobs and shifts to bury his face in the crook of Shane’s neck. Shane runs a hand up and down Ryan’s back, and selfishly wishes Ryan would calm down just enough to talk, because he knows that they only have a few more minutes at best. 

 

Ryan’s cries subside slowly, and like he read Shane’s mind, he straightens up. “How long do we have to say goodbye?”

 

Shane’s about to give a rough estimate, say he’s not quite sure or just go with  _ not enough _ , but Charmeine’s voice is suddenly echoing in the back of his mind, telling him  _ two and half minutes. _

 

“Two and a half minutes.” Shane tells him, and Ryan almost laughs in disbelief, because  _ no,  _ this isn’t how it was supposed to go. It’s not fair. It’s not right.

 

He tells Shane this. “You can’t do this, Shane. You can’t just leave me! You can’t - how are you okay with this? How could you choose this? It’s not fair!” 

 

Ryan’s eyes are full of tears he refuses to cry, and a few trickle down Shane’s cheeks. Shane takes a rough breath, running a shaking hand through his hair messily. “I said it wasn’t a choice, and I meant it, Ry. There is  _ nothing  _ I would not do to keep you safe, and I don’t regret it. If this is what it takes to make sure you’re okay, to give you a good life, to make sure you live, you really think I wouldn’t do it every time?”

 

Ryan stands still, fighting the urge to scream and cry and try to undo whatever deal Shane made to get them both here, one going up and going down. “I wanted a life with you, Shane. I know it’s stupid and I probably never would’ve said a word, and I’m sorry I wasn’t braver for any of it. For all of it. But I did, I really did want a life with our own apartment and a dog and those stupid matching coffee cups we laughed at and a, Jeez, I don’t know, a fucking white picket fence. I wanted all of that. With that. I know this is probably way too much, or maybe it’s just too little too late, and I know it’s stupid, but I really wanted you to choose me.”

 

Shane can imagine that, too. The idea of not getting that with Ryan, not waking up beside him ever, is too much for Shane and he pushes the thought away, focuses on making sure Ryan understands why Shane’s doing this. 

 

“Then this is me choosing you. I’m choosing you and I would choose you, a hundred times over, a thousand times over. There is no universe where I  _ don’t  _ choose you, okay? This is not some great sacrifice on my part, Ryan. I’m not playing the knight in shining armour, I’m not doing this to be a hero. If I’m honest, I’m being selfish. I know you’re hurting, knew you would hurt, but I can’t not do this. I can’t live without you, I couldn’t withstand that kind of pain. I’m sorry. I choose you, Ryan. Every time.  _ I love you. _ ”

 

Ryan is still crying, but he steps up to Shane again, pulls Shane down by the back of his neck and into a kiss.

 

Their first kiss is salty and sad and Shane knows they’re so close to goodbye but he never wants to leave this moment, wants to stay in it like a bubble. 

 

Shane’s first kiss with Ryan Bergara is salty and sad and everything Shane could’ve imagined, and it’s also their last. When Shane opens his eyes, Ryan is gone.

 

When Ryan opens his eyes, Shane Madej is dead.


End file.
